Do your emotions ever lay on you so viciously that your body physically feels heavy? My mind is so tumultuous and chaotic. I have so many thoughts constantly bouncing around, I lose track of time. For me, depression is laying in my room as the sun goes down and not having the energy to get up to turn the light on. The fan continues circling on high and my skin is freezing cold but I cannot physically move to get under the covers of my bed. My depression is not black and white. It is a continuous gray area. I could be the happiest I’ve ever been and that shadow or cloud or whatever you want to call it is peaking over my shoulder just waiting for me to give in.
For me, anxiety is when I’m laying in bed at night trying to sleep but instead, I feel as though I’m internally trembling, I feel sick to my stomach. Nothing could even be wrong but I cannot relax even the slightest bit. Anxiety is waking up night after night from panic attacks and having to race to the bathroom vomiting because my mind would not rest while my body was. Anxiety is being afraid of the idea of someone saying yes. Anxiety and depression are when I would rather miss out on a dream that I’ve had ever since I was a little girl because I’m afraid of the possibility of failing.
I am not my depression. I am not my anxiety. I am not fearful. I am brave. I am brilliant. I am unstoppable and I will achieve everything I have set for me in life. I will not let my smile fall because of a dark cloud trying to float above me. Instead, I will dance in the pouring rain and the thunder. I will jump in the puddles and I will not be afraid of the lightning. The sky will light up in beautiful colors and I will beam with joy because I love a wild thunderstorm.